In the age of Ozempic and people being open about plastic surgery, discussion about people’s bodies is rife. At the same time, nobody seems quite sure how to talk about them, as shown by recent coverage of celebrities like Ariana Grande.
It is a fraught topic. We asked eating disorder experts for guidelines to follow when talking about other people’s bodies, and how to do so without doing harm.
Why does it feel particularly hard to talk about bodies right now?
For experts in the field of eating disorders, the current ambivalence makes sense. “There’s a whiplash moment we’re stuck in,” says Dr Tom Hildebrandt, director of the Center for Eating and Weight Disorders at Mount Sinai hospital in New York.
The body positivity movement of the 2010s saw a mainstream push to “accept all body sizes, shapes and types”, says Hildebrandt. Then, with the explosion of GLP-1s, progress toward body acceptance “took a hard right turn”, he says – once again, “the media went through its idealization of weight loss”.
The vocabulary is different than it was before. Now, the focus is on “optimizing” one’s body and appearance, says Dr Ulrike Schmidt, professor of eating disorders at King’s College London.
The deluge of social media posts has only exacerbated the confusion and made it feel impossible to escape body discourse.
“The internet, specifically social media, has made commentary on the appearance of others more visible and widespread,” says Jessica Scheer, CEO of the National Eating Disorders Association (Neda). “Most of the commentary is speculative, and almost all of it is harmful.”
Is it harmful to talk about someone’s body?
“Everything is about context,” says Hildebrandt. “It means something different in your physician’s office than it does on a social media account for the whole world to see.”
When considering how or whether to discuss bodies with other people, keep in mind that many people are unhappy with their bodies and appearance, says Schmidt. She points to a 2023 report by the Butterfly Foundation, Australia’s national charity for eating disorders and body image issues, which found that 57% of young people were dissatisfied with how they look, and 49% said this had sometimes stopped them from attending school.
“Even the seemingly most innocent and well-meaning comments about people’s body weight, shape or appearance have the potential for backfiring, sensitizing or hurting people,” she says. In her work as an eating disorder clinician, Schmidt says many of the people she sees recall comments about their bodies as the starting point of their eating disorder journey. Some of these comments were criticisms or warnings about changing bodies, while others were intended as compliments.
“In clinic, we often hear that these kinds of congratulatory comments … made them think they are only acceptable, attractive and desirable if they are a certain weight or physique,” Schmidt says.
How does one engage in body talk in a way that is not harmful?
Body talk is ubiquitous, and it can be difficult not to engage. We asked experts how one might respond in various contexts.
If an acquaintance or colleague brings up another person or celebrity’s body: When someone you aren’t very close to engages in body talk, you may not want to get involved. Often, discussing people’s bodies can be like talking about the weather, Hildebrandt says – a topic one turns to when there is nothing else to talk about. “But it’s a very low-level social connection; it doesn’t have much meaning to it.”
In most cases, he says, people’s remarks about others’ bodies are not badly meant. They are more like a reflex, something we have been conditioned to believe is acceptable small talk. “I tell people to be bored by it,” says Hildebrandt. As soon as you signal that you’re not interested – by not engaging and changing the topic, for example – people will move on quickly,” Hildebrandt says.
(Experts have noted that this is also a useful strategy if you feel activated by other people’s discussion of body shapes and sizes.)
If a child criticizes their body or someone else’s: “If a young child says something negative about their body, it might be helpful to ask: ‘What makes you say that?’” says Schmidt.
They might have made the comment because they are being bullied or teased by other children, or because they are mirroring the comments of an adult. “Depending on the origins of the comment, the response may need to be quite different,” Schmidt says.
Hildebrandt tells his own children that public discussion of people’s bodies is “just trying to get your attention” and often features “lazy” messaging.
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“If someone’s going to try to sell me something based on somebody’s body type, they’re being lazy,” he says. “They’re just assigning a body value to get your attention.”
The antidote, he says – in these conversations and in general – is to actively pursue other interests. It’s tough to simply “be less interested” in this prevalent topic, he says; “you have to be more interested in something else.”
If an older relative criticizes or praises someone’s body: We may technically speak the same language as older relatives, but we may not always mean the same thing, Hildebrandt notes. For example, when you say “phone”, you mean a smartphone; “for your grandparents, it’s something that hangs on the wall.”
This same language mismatch can happen in discussions about bodies. A grandparent’s remark about another person’s weight loss may be a comment about their overall success or an expression of concern about their wellbeing. Hildebrandt argues that it is more helpful to engage with their intended meaning as opposed to being overly literal and “ending up in a situation where there’s friction”.
If people are discussing someone’s body on social media: Experts say it’s best not to comment in these public forums.
“I see a lot of talk online about the harms of staying silent,” says Scheer. “However, making speculative comments about a person’s weight or physical appearance is not the antidote to silence.”
In instances where a publicly speculated eating disorder may be the case, she says, “critical online discourse may be the digital reinforcement that fuels their continued behavior”.
Is there ever a time when posting about someone else’s body on social media is valuable? “I haven’t heard of one yet,” says Hildebrandt.
If you are struggling with seeing body discussions on social media, Neda recommends, among other things, limiting screen time and thinking critically about the media we are exposed to, including asking questions like: “Who created and profits from the message?”
If you are worried about a friend or close relative: Speculating about a stranger’s health and worrying about a friend are two very different things. If you have concerns about a friend’s body image or eating behavior, experts recommend being direct and compassionate.
“Be inquisitive, honest and open,” says Hildebrandt. “Don’t jump to a solution. Most people don’t want solutions – certainly not right off the bat. They want to be heard and understood, so being open and curious will get you the furthest.”
Scheer also suggests focusing the conversation not on a person’s appearance, “but the other aspects that generally accompany an eating disorder, like social isolation and brain fog”.
“None of us have the ability to control other people,” says Hildebrandt. “The other person is going to dictate whether the conversation goes further or not. If you’ve demonstrated that you can listen, hear and understand, then chances are you’re going to have more conversations.”
